The holidays are coming up and along with good food… comes HOLIDAY DRAMA. Instead of Doja Cat’s “Paint The Town Red” it’s Young Jeffrey’s “This Turkey Ain’t Dead!”
Bird Can’t Fly
Yeah, It’s my Holiday Dread!
This Thanksgiving, called a “Code Red”
Checked inside the vven, and Said
“I Dont Think this Turkey’s Quite Dead”
Itch that Scratch on my Head,
Bird Hopped off the Stove & it fled
Skin So Tan, It looked like Club Med
Don’t freak out, Just Call up the Vet
Mmmm, We’re in Peril!
Cuz the bird turned out to be Feral
Ran through, Uncle Darryl
Now the stuffing really isn’t Sterile…
Oooo, Auntie Carol
Drinkin’ Sauvignon Blanc by the Barrel
Only Noon, She Don’t Care Though
Had to take her Home in a Wheelbarrow…
Yeah, my Thanksgiving is all a Calamity
Spending one whole day with my Family
Uncle Larry quoting Sean Hannity
Oh Good Lord, Here Come the Profanities!
Our whole kitchen, looks like a travesty
Gordon Ramsey, Minus the Pageantry
House Cat Nappin’ inside the Bird’s Cavity!?
Tin Foil, in the Microwave, Tragically
Uncle’s brand new Girlfriend by his Side…
Met her in the District of Red Lights
Says he wanna make her his new bride
Nana Doris choked & Went bug-eyed
Ugh, You’re telling me to go sit Where?
Ugh, Down at the kids table right there?
Ugh, I’m 35, You are Aware?
Ugh, Next to my Niece in a Lawn Chair…
Sixth Straight year that Aunt Jen…
brought her female Roommate again
Swears that they’re just “really good friends”
Kick back in their Doc Martens!
Oops, my face just turned red…
Thought that I used Sugar, I did!
It was Laundry Powder Instead…
Dad didn’t care, Still Ate that Corn Bread
Oooo, Watchin Cable
See my Football Team score a Bagel
While our Dog’s, on the Table…
Runnin’ off with the Bowl of Sweet Potatoes
Oooo, Another Fail!
Got a Phone Call From our Uncle Dale
He’s Being Held, at the Jail
Papa Lou didn’t wanna Pay the Bail
Yeah, Pop that mouth full of Turkey Legs
Gonna put my new Skims to the Sturdy Test
Gettin’ so much Bloat, from the Gravy-Fest…
Make a Macy’s Day float, feel a bit jealous!
I been making small talk with my cousin, Liz
I dunno, But it felt a little Flirtatious?
On my Pant Leg, I can feel her foot grazes
Made a promise that we’d stop, after 2 Bases
Same Time, Last Year, Whole Place was charred!
Fried up a Turkey, and torched the Yard
Burned the Garage Up & Momma’s Car
Brown Liquid? Not my Hershey’s Bar!
I Can’t Sleep no More…
Grandpa Doug’s got the Demon Snores
Wheeze So Loud, that it Shakes the Doors
Ear Plugs In, Couldn’t Block the Roars
I Switch wine, from white to red!
Mom says: “Why aren’t you married yet?”
“Don’t want kids?” She asks my girlfriend…
“Not With him…” she’s says under breath
Whoops! This Whiskey is Dead,
Split a Fifth with my Uncle Ned
Passed out one foot Shy of his bed
Took a Sharpie, and Drew on his Head)
Mmmm, Never Mellow
Granny’s Mabel’s gettin’ more Forgetful
She set her wig, in the Jello!
And tried to call a Cab, with a Stiletto?
Mmmm, when we’re Settled
Dad’s speech got a little Sentimental
Cuz he Cried, and Not A Little…
More Toasts, than a Breakfast Continental!
Too Much Wine
One More Bite
Hut Hut Hike